The Everyday Adventures of William and Albert
by Iamdanny0
Summary: Just a place to store all the Wesker & Birkin one-shots and drabbles that stick in my brain and don't really fit in my fanfic 'My Little Wesker'. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Technology**

**Author's Note: If you want a timeframe for this then I'd probably say... early 80's?**

Wesker cocked his head to the side, as though the sight he was seeing could be better interpreted at 45 degrees, "What on earth is that?"

Birkin flicked a cursory glance in Wesker's direction, holding a palm in the black-clad scientist's direction, "Okay, sweetie, love you too. See you tonight, bye." Conversation complete, he lowered the subject of Wesker's musings and smiled, "It's a cell phone! Pretty nifty, huh Al?"

Shades were lowered slightly to evaluate the foreign object as he leaned forward. Evaluation complete, he glanced up at Will, "Did they not have one in your size?"

"Oh, ha ha ha." Will muttered sarcastically, "Why aren't I surprised that you're so technologically deficient once more?" He hefted the black plastic object in his hand whilst gazing at it admiringly, "This baby means I can talk to Annette even when I'm on the move."

Wesker shook his head disbelievingly and waved for his partner to follow him. As the pair walked, the tall blond saw fit to reply, "A communications relay would do the same." He examined the heavy cell phone in his friend's hand, "And I daresay it would be smaller."

Birkin huffed indignantly as he followed his lab partner to their workspace, "Men of limited vision always tend to ridicule things that are new and frightening to them. You said the same about my walkman." Will tapped his chest pocket as he spoke the final word of his diatribe.

A sigh issued from Wesker's lips, "The only way that thing would frighten me is if you dropped it on my toe... and I stand by what I said about the walkman, what kind of ludicrous culture needs incessant access to music?"

Birkin's eyes gleamed as he formed a response, "The culture of the future Al! Look at this amazing stuff! We're living the dream of all those sci-fi nerds in the 40's and 50's, computers that are smaller than a house, communication on the go! The way things are going, maybe one day I'll get a cell phone that..."

"...Is smaller than your head?" Wesker interrupted with the faintest hint of a smirk.

"No!" Will snapped, he paused momentarily, "Well yes, that too but also one that has a processor inside and can connect to the internet." Wesker scoffed, "Yeah, that's right, I know the internet is going to be huge too, and it's already building up a head of steam, Al!" Once more, the brunette's eyes grew distant, "Think about it, a worldwide network of information and data; an endless stream of knowledge accessible to all."

Wesker turned to face his friend as they continued on the long walk to their laboratory, arching a sceptical eyebrow, "You're assuming that the population of this world wants to learn and better themselves. I daresay it will be used to look at pictures of cats and nude women."

Birkin snorted with laughter before realising the counter-argument he had evoked from the blond, "Bullshit. You're such a pessimist Al." He scrabbled around for a further point, stopping a redheaded scientist as she walked in the opposite direction, "Caitlin, what do you think about the internet?"

The Irish female didn't skip a beat, speaking over her shoulder as she walked away, clearly in a hurry, "Reckon there's gonna be an awful lot of porn on it when it gets commercialised."

Will could feel rather than see his comrade's triumphant smirk as he watched Caitlin walk away, "Shut up, Al."

Wesker took on a tone of mock offence, "I believe I kept my mouth firmly closed."

Birkin turned to face the smug bane of his existence, confirming that Wesker's smirk was firmly in place and beyond triumphant in the process, "Yeah... well keep it that way." Will stroked the light stubble on his chin, "I still can't believe that you're such a technophobe, Alby. I mean, I know you're not as bright as me but you're still pretty smart."

Wesker rolled his eyes at the backhanded compliment and the use of his most hated of all nicknames, "Technology serves a useful purpose, to compliment the achievements of mankind. Man was incapable of doing thousands of calculations at once so he invented the computer." He glanced at both the large brick of a phone his friend was carrying and the conspicuous bulge in his lab-coat chest pocket, "These just attempt to solve a problem that doesn't exist in order to take the money of morons." He smirked patronisingly at Birkin, "No offence."

The shorter of the two waved his arms in the air in an exasperated fashion, "Gah! You're absolutely impossible." He spotted a portly scientist with well-polished round spectacles approaching from the opposite direction and decided to rapidly ask him a question as he and Wesker passed by, "Havisham, what do you think of the internet?"

Havisham ran a hand through his thinning hair in contemplation, "I think there's going to be a fair few pictures of people's pets on it in 10 years time."

Havisham ended up baffled as the pair kept walking, the tall blond snickering quietly to himself and the mousy brunette erupting in a string of curses.


	2. Chapter 2

**Romance**

**Author's Note: Just finished 7000 of the 13000 words I have to write for Wednesday. Rewarding myself with a little Wesker-Will goodness.**

"No."

William Birkin tousled his light brown hair in obvious frustration, "Just do it! I'll get off your back if you just go up and talk to her!"

Wesker took a gentle sip of his coffee whilst his friend's went cold and unnoticed, "Why is this such a pressing issue for you?"

Birkin stared at his lab partner disbelievingly, "Answer me this, Al: When was the last time you spoke to someone other than me about something not related to work?"

The blond went to shrug off the question but halted at Will's harsh gaze and considered it. "Last Tuesday." Birkin waved for him to continue, "To Miss Ferriday." Once more, the thinner scientist motioned for his friend to go into further detail, "I informed her that the vending machine was broken." Wesker was fixed by an incredulous stare, "What seems to be the problem?"

Birkin growled in frustration, "The problem is that you're a goddamn robot! Real people need social interaction! Now go over and talk to Lisa before I make you."

Wesker quirked a solitary eyebrow at his 5-inch shorter, slightly-built acquaintance, "And how exactly would you go about doing that?"

"I don't know!" Birkin snapped irritably, "Rewire your circuitry or something, it's just she's been looking over here for an age and I just want you to deal with it and talk to others like an actual human being."

Wesker took another sip of his beverage and stroked his chin thoughtfully, "No." At Birkin's strangled cry of frustration the blond glanced in this "Lisa's" direction. She appeared to be examining him closely and looked away with tinges of red in her cheeks once she noticed that he was looking in her direction. Tousled blond hair covered her right eye as she resolutely looked away from the Umbrella researcher. "Why don't you go and talk to her, Will? You seem positively eager to do so."

Sighing, Birkin began to list off factors on his fingers, "Firstly, she's not my type. Secondly, she's looking at you and thirdly..." He looked around in a conspiritual fashion before beckoning his comrade closer, "I'm kind of seeing that assistant researcher I met a couple of weeks ago."

Memory almost failed Wesker for the briefest of moments before her name resonated in his head, "Annette?"

Will tapped the side of his nose, "That's the one." He paused momentarily, "What did you think of her?"

Wesker allowed a hint of a grin to appear on his face, "Seeking my approval, are we?"

"Just answer the question." He grumbled in reply.

Joints were popped in the neck of tall scientist as he mused over Annette, "Her paper on the secondary effects of the Ebola virus was fascinating."

Will went to enthusiastically seize upon the subject Wesker provided before catching himself and returning to his previous topic, "No, I mean what did you think of her as a person, rather than as a researcher?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. She appeared to be a fully functional member of society, I am sure she has no psychopathic or paranoid tendencies."

Once more, Wesker was greeted by disbelieving scrutinisation as Birkin attempted to compose a reply, "Why can't you be normal, Al?"

"Why don't you ask Lisa what her opinion is on Annette, Will?"

Birkin took a calming breath, "Because you're my friend and I value your opinion more than hers, now for the love of God, just answer the question!"

Wesker sighed, "She seemed nice."

A beaming smile lit up Will's face, "Thanks, Al, I think so too." Wesker rolled his eyes, "So..." Birkin began, clearly attempting to get back on track to where the conversation had resided previously, "Are you seriously telling me that none of the women in this whole place interest you?"

Wesker didn't hesitate, "No."

Something in the blond's tone didn't quite sit right with Birkin, "You sure about that, Al?"

"Positive."

There it was again, an almost imperceptible difference in the modulation of his friend's voice, probably impossible for someone who hadn't spent years around Wesker like he had to detect, "You're lying to me, Al."

The playful accusation caused Wesker to gently brush the tip of his nose with his thumb, a nervous gesture the brunette had never seen him make before. "Why would I lie about something so trivial?"

Birkin cracked a devious grin, "Why indeed, Alby?"

Wesker managed to suppress his shudder, "Let us pretend for a moment that there was a woman in the Umbrella Corporation who had attracted my attention, why on earth would I tell you?"

Will's grin widened even further, that was an admission if ever he had heard one, "Tell you what, I'll make it easier for you, I'll list off the women I know, you only need to say one word in reply, sound fair?"

Wesker gave a resigned sigh as he finished the last of his coffee, "Fine."

"Lisa?"

Wesker snorted, "No."

"Jessie?"

"Definitely not."

"Sally?"

"Who?"

"Tall one, black hair, got really drunk and tried to get you to dance whilst you were working during the Christmas party?"

Wesker gave an involuntary shudder, "No."

"Caitlin?" Wesker hesitated for only the briefest of moments but that was enough for his friend to seize the opportunity he had been given, "Haha! I knew it! Ever since that rabbit bit you, you were in love." He mimed wrapping a bandage around Wesker's finger and put on an exaggerated, female Irish accent, "Oh, poor Alby, let me kiss it better."

The tall scientist pointed a warning digit at his comrade as he got up to leave, "I swear if this becomes common knowledge and people start assuming that I want their company because of it, I'll kill you."

Infuriatingly, Birkin's smile grew and he retained the accent as he rose to his feet to follow Wesker, "Ah, to be sure. You don't want people to know you have human feelings."

Wesker growled as he stalked off. Lisa's head turned to follow him, causing the blond to snap at her, "Focus on your drink, it's probably cold by now."

As she hurriedly averted her gaze, Will came gliding past with a beaming smile, "Don't worry, Lisa, it's nothing personal, he just likes Caitlin instead."

Wesker whipped round to face his lab partner, a vein visibly pulsing in his forehead, "Shut up and stop being such a child!"

As he stormed off, Birkin chuckled as a thought occurred to him, "Hey, you did end up speaking to Lisa."

For some reason this didn't make Albert Wesker feel any better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Snow**

**Author's Note: Hope you can forgive me for the lack of seasonal relevance; I just liked the idea of Wesker in the snow. **

It was cold. More than cold, it was freezing, and Albert Wesker did not share his companion's enthusiasm for the fact that frozen water was falling from the sky and covering the ground.

"Why are we outside, Will?"

Birkin turned to his chilly fellow scientist with a beaming smile "It's snowing, Al!"

Wesker coughed lightly and rubbed his gloved hands together, "That is not an answer to my question. I was not asking for a weather report."

Birkin rolled his eyes whilst facing upwards with his arms spread out, "Is there anything you like, Alby?"

The top lip of the tall blond curled skyward, "Yes. Being warm, being indoors and spending my time with rational human beings who are capable of adhering to the first two things I like."

William snorted, "We both know the only human being you ever spend time with is me."

Wesker sighed, "And I often wonder why that is the case." He turned towards the window of his lab, gazing longingly at the coffee pot in the distance and noticing a weave of red hair disappear behind a curtain as he did so. A faint smirk danced around his mouth as he turned back to Will, "What exactly are we supposed to do whilst we are out here? Besides catch pneumonia?" The shorter brunette went to make a point before the blond cut him off, "I know you can't actually contract pneumonia via low temperatures alone, it is an expression."

Birkin smiled disarmingly at his lab partner, who still looked resolutely unimpressed, "Snow fun!"

Wesker stared blankly at Will, "Snow fun?"

Birkin wiped a weary hand across an exasperated brow, "Let me explain..." He took a handful of the frozen snow and compacted it together under the blond's nose, causing him to look down in faint disgust, "This is snow." Wesker glanced away in annoyance, meaning that he noticed the mischievous look on his friend's face far too late, being unable to react as the mousy brunette took a step back and launched the snowball at the side of his head. "And this is fun!" All he could do was hold onto the frames of his glasses in order to ensure they didn't fly off as the projectile made solid, but not necessarily painful, contact with his temple.

He growled as he turned to face his guffawing comrade, "Will! What on earth do you think you're doing? We are not children!" He was cut off from his rant as he managed to narrowly avoid a second projectile from hitting him square on the nose, "That's it, I'm going to kill you Birkin." He stooped to pick up some frozen ammunition, compacting it mechanically and precisely before taking aim and firing just wide of his friend's grinning face.

Birkin chuckled in response, "Don't know about me but the air next to my head is terrified Al." A snarl was Wesker's only retort as he bent down once more to scoop up more snow, receiving a hit to the shoulder as he did so, evoking a crow of triumph from Will. "Two-Nil Alby, you really suck at this!"

Wesker looked beseechingly into the air as he brushed off the snow from his shoulder, was this what his life had been reduced to? He had a doctorate in molecular biology and he was having a snowball fight in a field outside his workplace, he flung his frozen projectile and felt no small amount of satisfaction as it caught Will on the leg as he attempted to dodge it.

Birkin hissed in annoyance, "2-1. Though I don't think a shot to the leg should count."

The blond arched a solitary eyebrow as he went to collect more snow, "I was not aware that your leg is not part of your body. My sympathies."

Will rolled his eyes once more as he mimicked his lab partner's deep, steady voice, "I wasn't aware that I'm such a sarcastic ass. My apologies."

An issuing of laughter alerted the pair to another presence and they both turned to face its source. It was Caitlin Donnelly, an Irish scientist on the same project as the quarrelsome friends. She was certainly dressed for the weather with a thick duffel coat, mittens, woolly hat and matching scarf, causing Birkin to grin and Wesker's lips to twitch almost imperceptibly once she came into view, "Mind if I play fellas?"

Will and Wesker exchanged glances; it was Birkin who spoke first, "Have you been watching us?"

She smiled knowingly as she pointed to the window Wesker had glanced through earlier, "Along with everyone else, yes." Through the transparent glass, there were the eleven scientists with whom the tall blond and slightly built brunette shared their workplace, staring unashamedly at the spectacle of their head researchers having a snowball fight. Wesker bared his teeth and tapped an imaginary watch in their direction, a gesture which was dampened somewhat by the snowball in his left hand but served its intended purpose nonetheless as the assembled throng disappeared back to their work.

It was Wesker who spoke to Caitlin next, "You say 'play' as though this is a game, I am hoping to break Dr Birkin's jaw, and should you wish to join me in that endeavour then you are most welcome."

She let out another chuckle, "When you put it like that, how can I resist?"

Wesker offered a ghost of a smile as he turned to face Birkin, who had backed up several yards and threw a snowball as the blond faced him. His quick reflexes proved sufficient this time as he jerked his head to the side causing the frozen projectile to make contact with Caitlin's arm as she went to gather some snow, evoking a surprised squeak from the redhead.

Birkin pumped his arms in celebration, "Haha, yes! I am the king of snowball fights!" Caitlin smiled evilly at Will as she gathered her compacted missile before exchanging a look with Wesker, who had also gathered a batch of fresh snow and had cottoned on to the Irish scientist's line of thought. Birkin's triumphant look quickly changed to one of deep foreboding as the pair advanced towards him; the brunette clumsily moved to the side to avoid the female's snowball but it clipped his hand before Wesker took advantage of his friend's lack of balance and launched another projectile directly into Will's face, causing him to splutter as the frozen ice went into his mouth and nose. "Aaargh, it's too cold!"

Wesker smirked and lazily accepted Miss Donnelly's jubilant high five before gathering one final snowball and firing it powerfully into Birkin's crotch. His smirk widened as he gently ushered Caitlin inside, glancing over his shoulder to see his comrade squatting in the pure white snow, swearing under his breath and attempting desperately to compose himself. "I believe that's 4-3, Will." Ignoring his friend's crass retort, he began to walk inside, "Be careful not to stay outside for too long, Birkin, you'll catch pneumonia."


	4. Chapter 4

**Obsession**

**Author's Note: I love writing these little stories; they're like a sorbet for my brain. Hope you're enjoying them too. :D**

**12****th**** September 1980**

A thin figure with tousled, mousy hair stepped through the doors of the Umbrella laboratory, in which it felt as though he spent 90% of his life, expecting his close friend and scientific rival to be awaiting him and to greet him in typically stone-faced fashion.

His expectation was partly right and partly wrong.

Albert Wesker was indeed standing just inside the doorway of the sterile lab, coffee in hand and lab coat already draped over his usual jet-black attire. This was standard fare for William Birkin, Wesker would probably work 24/7 if Umbrella's facilities didn't close at pre-assigned times and force the sunglasses-wearing misanthrope to go home on occasion.

The thing that threw Will was the large grin slapped upon his colleague's face, "Good morning, Will. Lovely day, isn't it?"

It was indeed but what was a standard greeting for most people was viewed with great suspicion by the smaller man, "Who are you and what have you done with the real Al?"

The blonde barked out a laugh, "My apologies, let me start again." He wiped the joviality from his face and stared blankly at his friend, "Good morning Dr Birkin, your lateness has been noted for future reference." At his lab partner's baffled look, another wide smile spread across his features, "What's the problem, Will?"

William blinked once, then twice as though trying to release himself from a particularly vivid daydream, "Well, it's just that I've never seen you this happy." He paused and scratched lightly at the fluff decorating his chin, "Ever."

The taller of the two men smirked, "Perhaps this is all a cunning ruse to get you to lower your guard. Perhaps I am filled with joy at the fact it is Friday. Perhaps I am acting out of character in order to make you forget that I owe you ten dollars for the lunch you bought last Monday."

In truth, Birkin had completely forgotten about the owed sum of money but had no time to voice this as Wesker whisked a crisp note from the top pocket of his lab coat and pressed it neatly into his colleague's unresisting palm, smiling amusedly, "It's not the last one then, Will. What an unfathomable mystery this is."

It was spoken in jest but the sentiment was undoubtedly true for William Birkin, he had literally no idea what could have triggered such a radical alteration in Wesker's temperament and character. "Has one of your enemies died today?"

Wesker snorted in response, "Not that I know of."

Will thought long and hard, ignoring the amused look that his friend threw in his direction, "Has someone slipped antidepressants into your coffee?"

The blond examined the dark brew before looking up and raising a conspiritual eyebrow, "I can't rule it out, Will."

Birkin frowned and threw his hands above his head in exasperated fashion, "Gah! Are you doing this to annoy me?"

Another eyebrow arched delicately, "Annoy you William? I'm hurt, aren't you always telling me to be more cheerful?"

Will nodded slowly but reluctantly, as though an invisible hand were pressing on his neck, "Well yeah, but you never listen to me. Are you breaking the habit of the last three years just to mess with my head, Al?"

Another infuriating smirk was Wesker's initial response before the blond chanced a glance at the metallic wristwatch adorning his wrist, "Strange. Miss Donnelly should have arrived by now; she's usually infinitely more punctual than you." He arched an eyebrow in Birkin's direction, "Not that that is a particularly difficult-to-accomplish feat."

Will smiled lightly, "Just because I have a life outside work Alby, doesn't mean that you can mock me for it."

Wesker chuckled richly, "Mock you? You're rather paranoid today, aren't you Birkin?"

Now the shorter scientist was utterly confounded, not only had his friend laughed more than once in a day but the taller scientist hadn't even reacted to the nickname that he loathed most in the world. Something was definitely going on.

As though summoned by William Birkin's sceptical thoughts, Wesker began whistling merrily as they awaited the arrival of Caitlin Donnelly in order to continue their joint research on the Ebola Virus. With no option but to grin and bear the unexpected madness, Will decided to try and guess what his friend was whistling. It certainly sounded familiar...

"I take it that you're not whistling classical music, Al?"

A smirk and a shake of the head issued forth from the blond as he resumed his impromptu musical session. Birkin was almost driven to distraction on two fronts: trying to guess what it was that Wesker was whistling and what on earth had him in such a good mood. Luckily, he was spared his near-inevitable mental breakdown by the crashing of the laboratory door as a redheaded scientist sprinted through it at a terrific pace.

"OhjesusIamsosorryIdidn'tmeantobethislate."

Wesker and Birkin shared a look as the Irish female's words tumbled out within the blink of an eye. Albert arched an eyebrow, "Good morning. Would you care to repeat that, Miss Donnelly?"

The redhead, breathing heavily from the exertion she had put into her entrance, blushed a rather flattering shade of pink whilst composing herself and attempting to hide the plastic bag she was holding in her left hand, "I'm sorry for being so late, Dr. Wesker, I just lost track of time."

Wesker gave the new arrival a long, hard look before his countenance brightened and he waved a dismissive hand, "Not a problem Miss Donnelly, so long as you're willing and eager to get to work."

With a sunny smile he strode off towards his work station, leaving Caitlin utterly baffled. She turned towards Will, her eyebrows having disappeared into her hairline. His response was an equally mystified shrug and a gesture towards the plastic bag, "What's in the bag, Caitlin?"

The Irish national smiled sheepishly, "The real reason I was late." She reached into the bag and retrieved a cassette case from within its depths. Drawn boldly onto the face were two artistic impressions of an androgynous redheaded man, beneath which were the words:

**Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)**

In the top right hand corner was a name. David Bowie.

"Stopped off at the record store before work, huh Caitlin? You're lucky Al is in such a creepily good mood. Mind if I take a look at the back?"

The redhead smiled and handed the cassette over to Birkin, who instantly flipped it over and examined the songs on the back. One in particular caught his attention...

"Ashes to Ashes?" His brow furrowed as he attempted to figure out why that tune had jumped out at him in such a fashion, "How does that one go, Caity?"

She cocked her head to the side and hummed the tune, looking confusedly at Will when his eyes widened and an evil grin appeared on his face, "What?"

The unnerving smile remained in place, "Did this album come out today, Caitlin?"

She nodded once more, "Why'd you ask, Will?"

A confident smirk, not too unlike the one Wesker was so fond of, made its appearance on the brunette's face, "I think I've finally figured out what's gotten into Al."

Wesker looked dispassionately at the samples of the Ebola Virus he had been provided with, the Arklay Laboratory was certainly not as advanced as Spencer would have you believe and the strains he had to work with were nowhere near as virulent as he would have liked but he supposed that illegal B.O.W. research had to be somewhat surreptitious. They were supposed to be developing a vaccine, after all, and having the strongest possible variations would probably evoke suspicion.

Albert's intellectual musings were cut short by the sound of William Birkin whistling something incredibly familiar and the blond leaned over to the side in order to listen more closely. This turned out to be unnecessary as Will suddenly burst into song:

"Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on."

Wesker sighed, he knew two things. Firstly, he knew that the singing was directed at him and secondly, he supposed he was always aware that his secret was never going to last forever.

As Birkin's beaming face poked around the doorframe, Wesker fixed him with a glare, "Can I help you?"

With the air of a detective solving a 1,000 year old mystery, the mousy brunette pointed a victorious digit towards the blond, "You're a David Bowie fan, his new album is out today and that's why you're so freakishly happy." He pumped his fist in celebration, "Damn, it's hard being this intelligent."

Wesker sighed once more, "Yes, I am an enormous Bowie fan. I have bought every album he has released and had been anticipating this particular album for just over a year, ever since 'Lodgers'."

Will kept his infuriating smirk in place as he pressed for information, "So you were going to buy the album after work?"

The blond rubbed a slightly self-conscious hand along the back of his neck, "I already have. I went to a midnight release." At Birkin's slightly surprised look, he continued, "Do you remember a couple of years ago when I missed two days of work in a row?" It was a testament to Wesker's incredible work ethic that Will remembered this vividly, "It was April the 17th and 18th 1978, and I told Spencer that I was ill when I actually went to two Bowie concerts in Chicago."

Will's jaw dropped, "You're not just a fan, are you Al? You're obsessed with the guy."

Wesker squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, "I can appreciate the innovation and adaptability that Bowie shows in his musical career. I didn't tell you this because I knew you would be insufferable."

The shorter man laid a hand across his chest, "I would never make fun of you for liking something Al, and it's good to know you actually have interests outside Umbrella."

Wesker nodded warily and attempted a suspicious smile.

Will clapped a hand on his colleague's shoulder and walked out, turning once he was in the doorway, "It's Aladdin Sane that you would hide this from me."

A groan and the thump of head against table were all that Birkin heard as he merrily departed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hangover**

**14****th**** June 1989**

Everything was dark and entirely peaceful. This was bad news for the blond scientist arriving at the Umbrella laboratory for one of several reasons.

Either he was the first person to arrive, which was a sad indictment of both his personal life and the work ethic of his colleagues, or there had been an electrical failure which meant that experiments were impossible but paperwork was most assuredly not.

Of course, there was also a slim but genuinely frightening chance that there had been a biohazard leak so rapid and extensive that there hadn't been time to set up quarantine. Letting out a world-weary sigh, Albert Wesker flicked the nearby light switch and was pleased to see his workspace illuminate instantaneously. He was less pleased to hear an ominous groan echo from the other side of the room.

Removing his Beretta from the holster within the depths of his lab coat he stealthily moved forwards, handgun raised and ready to fire.

What greeted him wasn't an errant BOW or a hideously mutated human being; it was merely a haggard William Birkin, without a lab coat, slumped on an armchair next to the coffee machine, pawing ineffectually at the light that had just invaded his closed eyelids. (Though Wesker considered this to be the closest possible thing to a 'hideously mutated human being' that could exist without technically being one.)

"Argh."

Wesker gently raised an eyebrow as he examined his prostrate friend, "Will?"

Another ragged moan escaped from Birkin's lips, "Not here. Go 'way."

"Will, you absolutely stink. When did you get here?" A disgusted frown crossed Wesker's features as he spoke.

"No talk, too bright, need sleep."

Wesker pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a calming breath, "Excuse me Mister Troll, I have to speak with William Birkin, he's a genius scientist capable of speaking words that contain more than one syllable."

Birkin barked out a laugh then instantly clutched a hand to his temple with a pained expression, "I hate you so much Al."

"Still one syllable Will."

A bleary eye slowly and painstakingly creaked open, "Anti-establishmentarianism, now piss off."

Albert chuckled, "How much did you drink last night… and when did you stop, Will?"

The eye snapped closed once more, deciding that the effort involved in continuing to look at the taller scientist wasn't worth it, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Walbert Esker."

Wesker folded his arms in front of him, torn between heavily amused and incredibly annoyed, "William, I am a 29 year old man with an IQ of 190, not a 9 year old girl whose mother has been at the brandy the night before. Why are you in this state?"

Will groaned once more as he swayed in his armchair-bed with his eyes tightly closed, as though trying to repel the bright laboratory lights with sheer willpower "Can't get anything past you Al. It was my cousin's 25th birthday last night."

The blond waited for a follow-up explanation which never came and he decided to prompt his hungover friend, "So?"

"So we drank. Jesus Al, what's so difficult to understand?"

This was ridiculous. "You're an idiot Will. Why was your cousin's birthday worthy of getting so drunk that you're practically incoherent , why do you smell as though you haven't showered and why are you sleeping in the lab?"

Birkin growled and his bloodshot eye reopened, "Haven't seen him for a while so we decided to celebrate in style and I haven't been home yet, came straight here from the bar."

Wesker frowned in confusion, "Does your wife know you decided to do this?"

Both eyes flew open and were filled with dread, "Shit! I've got to get home and let her know I'm all right." He instantly jumped to his feet, only to sway dangerously and flop straight back into the upholstered furniture, "Or not."

An arched eyebrow and a polite cough issued forth from the impatient blond, "Don't you have your giant phone? Can't you just call her?"

Birkin shook his head as he tried to bury himself in the armchair, "Left it at home, knew I was getting pretty drunk, thought I might break it."

Wesker snorted incredulously, "Only if someone happened to have nuclear weaponry on them, that thing is equivalent to an armoured aircraft carrier."

"Leave my phone out of this."

"You're right, it does add a certain weight to proceedings."

Will grimaced and let out a pained groan, "I'm far too hungover to handle your crappy puns Al."

"Of course, and I'm sure that's someone's fault other than your own." Wesker smirked as he spoke down to the prostrate Birkin, before shaking himself and regaining his composed workmanlike demeanour, "Well, we have work to do today Will and you're certainly not going to be doing it slumped in an armchair like a corpse soaked in whiskey."

"Technically it was just rum. And tequila... And sambuca." Will's hands were tightly clamped to the side of his head as he tried to look indignant and succeeded only in looking queasy.

"And?"

Birkin's head slumped dejectedly in defeat, "And whiskey."

Wesker shook his head disapprovingly, "My sympathy for a man who has poisoned himself is very limited Will, I will make you a coffee but that's as far as my generosity will stretch, I still expect you to contribute today." The blond strode off towards the coffee machine, missing the upraised digit that his friend showed to his retreating back.

Suddenly, the door to the laboratory flew open with an almighty crash, causing Birkin to groan at the wave of sound assaulting his eardrums and the taller scientist to arch an eyebrow and slowly slide one hand onto the handle of his gun, whilst steadily prepping the coffee machine at the same time.

Wesker could never be accused of not having the proper priorities.

Instead of a BOW or a demon summoned from hell to punish Birkin for drinking too much, the pair were instead greeted by an irate Irish redhead.

"This is absolutely unbelievable! I've only just got here and the day's already shaping up to be total crap!" Will stayed slumped in his armchair, barely even acknowledging the entrance besides a pained grimace, Wesker opened his mouth to respond but was effortlessly cut off by Caitlin continuing her rant, "Not only do we have to work with the arrogant arseholes from the Ebola Virus project today but I left my car here overnight and some moron has pissed all over one of the tyres!"

Wesker found his eyes moving slowly but unstoppably towards the drunk scientist he called his friend and found that Will was looking in his direction too, fear and horror carved into his features, so much for wondering who was responsible for that then... "I see, Caitlin, who do think was responsible for..." The blond's brain threw him away from a scientific prodigy drunkenly urinating on a co-worker's car and caught up with the conversation, "Wait, you mean we're supposed to be working with the Ebola project? Who told you that?"

"I saw Spencer on the way in." The redhead huffed, "He told us that we had to pool our research in order to 'reach the most satisfactory research conclusion." She angrily tossed errant hair from her field of vision, "what a load of shit! Only one member of that whole department isn't a total prick and she'll probably be at the end of her tether having to deal with those jumped-up, self-aggrandising dickheads desperately trying to prove that their research is more valuable than ours."

She threw herself furiously into the armchair adjacent to Birkin's before examining the near-paralytic brunette and cocking an eyebrow in Wesker's direction , "What's up with Professor Can't-Handle-His-Ale?"

Wesker paused as he mulled over something within the recesses of his mind and didn't immediately answer the question. Instead he began to laugh, subtlety and softly at first but gradually a wave of hilarity swept over him and he had to place a hand on a nearby table in order to steady himself as another fresh paroxysm of laughter overwhelmed him.

Even Birkin had looked up now, and both he and the redhead shared baffled glances at this inexplicable behaviour, "Shut up Al. You're laughing far too loud, what's so damn funny? I haven't seen you laugh this much for about ten years."

Wesker removed his sunglasses and placed them carefully in his top pocket, sighing contentedly and wiping the last few errant tears from his eyes, "One question my drunken little friend, what project is your wife currently working on?"

Will opened his mouth to reply instantly and froze in abject horror, "Oh god! Ebola! She's going to be coming here! She's going to kill me!" A wild fear sprang forth into Birkin's eyes and he began panting heavily, "Shit shit shit! She made me promise that I'd tell her if I was going to get a little... drunk. I said that I was only going for a few, now she's going to be here and..."

He let out a small, agonised screech which was cut short by Caitlin slapping a hand across his mouth, "Calm yourself! Jesus, you need to try being in an Irish marriage sometime Will, you might learn something. I'm sure if you apologise to Annette, she won't mind that you..." She sniffed, "...bathed in strong and possibly corrosive spirits all night. Did you come here straight from the bar?"

Will ignored the question, "She's your friend Caitlin, she probably seems lovely and perfectly non-judgemental to you but I am about to walk into a total shitstorm! I made a promise to her and breaking any promise to Annette is equivalent to signing away my right to uncrushed testicles." He sighed self-pityingly, "There's no way this day could be any worse."

A certain blond scientist who had been viewing the scene amusedly chose this moment to chip in but took a deep sip of his freshly brewed coffee before doing so , "Miss Donnelly?"

"Yes, Wesker?"

"William was the one who urinated on your car tyre."

"WHAT?"

It was certainly true, Wesker pondered, that the very best things within life were both simple and free.


End file.
